Hit the big time

Reoccurring characters, check
Inside jokes and or references, check
Yes, I think that is it
I've finally hit the big time
The best part
Is no one can complain
That my jokes are any less funny
Or my art has gotten worse
Careful Deliberation:
Its quantity over quality

Needs a better design doc

In second grade
I built a helmet
That would record your dreams
Using only paper, glue,
A pencil and pipe cleaners
And it actually worked!
Well I suppose that was because
The pipe cleaners were sharp
On the ends
And laying on them
Would wake you up ever few minutes
So if you did dream
Within that short period of time
Theres some paper and a pencil
To write down what you recall

I spell well

I knew all the words
In that spelling bee
All of them
From Abnegate to Zugzwang
Victory was thrilling
And my first prize reward
Was two ice cream bars
Until they realized
They didn't want anyone to feel left out
So they gave ice cream
To all the contestants
Wrathful
Could you use it in a sentence?
W-R-A-T-H-F-U-L

What I wanna be

When NPR runs a show about pianists
I want to teach myself to play
When I watch a show about fitness
I want to exercise until I burst
When I investigate an article about writing
I want to become
The next critically acclaimed author
Now if only I can come across an article
About actually sticking with any of my hobbies
For longer then a week
Then I will be in business

The best question ever asked

Campus Safety stopped me
At three in the morning
After my job at the front desk
To inquire if I had stumbled upon
Two naked women
Chasing each other
Around campus
While sadly I had not
I assured him I would let him know
Should that amazing encounter
Ever occur

Dentist Rapport

Every Christmas break
And Fourth of July weekend
I visit the dentist
For the annual checkup
He labels me a mouth breather
But in a good way
And insists that purchasing extra fluoride
Is the only salvation
From a mouthful of cavities
I claim he is a sadistic dentist
Who only thrives
On the shrill cries of his patients
Then we come to an impasse
And when no one is looking
I run off with those neat dinosaur toys
Reserved for the younger victims

Merry Christmas

Oh.
No, he didn't
He wouldn't
He couldn't
...
He did
RAINIER!

Cutthroat Gaming

Over the years
Board games at our household
Has taken a sharp dip
Into dangerous territory
What use to be friendly banter
And congratulatory remarks
Has been corrupted into cynical quips
And offensive swearing
That would make a sailor blush
For good or for bad
For better or for worse
I just scored a racko, bitches

Cornfest Fail

At the summer Cornfest
Where all the circus folk gather
To take our money
In exchange for terrible prizes
We gave the CD toss game a shot
It was a simple enough game
Toss one music CD
Make it land on the stand
And you earn a new music CD
Otherwise you earn
Whatever CD that you tossed
All three of us were losers
I walked away with twenty tracks
Of elevator music
Katie with classical music
Half the tracks skipping
And my friend Todd
The greatest prize of all
A CD that wouldn't play
Until he put it in his computer
Where it then released a virus
And corrupted his homework files
I miss you, summer Cornfest

Exercising Days

When I visit the workout room
Every once in a while I see a man
Whose sole purpose seems to be
To get on as many machines as possible
While only using them
For the shortest amount
Thirty seconds on the bikes
Twenty five on the weights
Forty five on the step machine
Perhaps a minute on the treadmill
The sampler platter
Of the exercise world

How to make money

Okay so step one would be
Make a delightful mascot
Like a ferret!
Step two is name it something
Like Chitter!
Step three is to give it an exciting hat
Like a fedora!
Step four is to give it an obsession
Like having it try and steal cupcakes!
Step five is to post that bugger on a t-shirt
Like, lets say for 19.95!
Then you play the waiting game
And hope someone on the internet
Finds it funny
Three cheers for capitalism!

A sick sick day

In second grade
Every week we wrote letters
To a particular student
And it took us forever
Because you had to write positive statements
And then hand it to them at the end of the day
Quite difficult
Coming up with something nice to say
The only thing that kept me going
Was knowing it would soon be my turn
What would they say about me?
What was cool about me?
What did I excel at?
Sadly I came down with the flu
On my special day
And everyone pitched in
To make me a 'Get well soon' card
What a ripoff

Yakkity Yak

Those commercials for college
Always have a college student
Thanking the school
For how much it helped their education
I really always hoped
There would be a school
That would pop to life
And shout out "You're Welcome!"
But I would imagine
The tuition would be pretty high
I mean, keeping a talking school around?
That'd cost ya

Holiday Tradition

Every family
Has their own holiday tradition
Some have fancy dinners
Some might sing songs
Or play games
I know one of our favorites
Is to wake up early on Christmas Day
And try to remain awake and feign surprise
While passing out gifts
That we had requested for ourselves
Three days prior

Totally TV

My hometown
Had very few things to do
So my friend and I
Would sit and watch TV channels
That were not in English
And make up our own stories
To coincide with what was occurring
On the screen
It could be considered downright imaginative
If not for the fact that we were eight
And every storyline of ours
Made a reference to a fart joke

Cold but Hungry

Stupid cold air!
Freezing my window shut
But I really needed to order my food
Opening the door works
But the alarm tends to go off at that point
I really hope she can understand
That I want a
CHEESEBEEEEEPBURGERBEEEEPFRIESEEEP
Eh good enough
I'll take whatever
So long as its edible

Life Lesson Redux

I use to bang on the steering wheel
Back in high school
In time with the music
Because it was less embarrassing
Then having someone see me
Singing along with it
Until one day I hit the wheel too hard
Hit a patch of snow
Which hid ice underneath
And tumbled slowly into the ditch
Nowadays I look like a fool
Singing at the top of my lungs
But at least I'm not upside down
On 13th mile road
On a cold December night

A Christmas realization

I know not many people
Do exciting things with their life
But when you get a stapler
For a Christmas gift
Its time to pick a hobby
And be vocal about it
So you can get a gift that
Is a bit more engaging
...
It was a pretty sweet stapler though
I mean it even fired blue staples
C'mon

The billion dollar question

Some Americans are wondering
Where the first 435 billion dollars
Of the bailout money went to
Well, secretly
It all went to me
I bought a car that flies
And is powered on dollar bills
That shoot out the back
It also cooks pizza
And invites sexy fun women
To come over and hang out
So yes, in case you were curious
Your money is well spent

The Bookstore Lesson

Two ladies at the bookstore
Helped me find the books I needed
One was sweet and talkative
With a bright beaming smile
Ever so friendly
The other sarcastic and stubborn
A bit coarse
Rough around the edges
And that day I walked away
With a life lesson
That happy people
Get really annoying after a while
And I think I'll stick with being
Sullen and morose

Flawed Toe

I sit down
To cut my toe nails
And I get a certain satisfaction
Of having all my toe nails
Trimmed to an acceptable length
Except that my pinky toe
Does not want to grow
Much of a nail
Like a bald man
Coming in for a haircut
You fail me, toe
Don't think that I'm not judging you

Now am Lost

Well I did it
It took months
But I finally did it
I talked Dave into playing WoW
We started tonight
And it was fun
But the whole time I realized
I needed something new
To talk him into doing
Perhaps next I could get him
To start his own pumpkin farm
C'mon Dave
It'll be awesome!
Perfect for Halloween!

Ninja Attack

If ninjas ever plan an attack
They will be thwarted
Because I hang my pants on my windowsill
After being in the wash
Said ninjas will not see them
Trip and fall
Ha! Caught you, Ninja!
All thanks to my crafty plan
Either that or I'm just too stingy
To pay the dollar twenty five
For the clothes dryer

Phony Phone

While in the shower
I hear my phone ringing
And cut my shower short
In case its important
Except that its not ringing
Apparently I imagined it

I'm in the car
And my phone vibrates
To notify me of an incoming call
Perhaps its something I should handle
So I risk life and limb
Digging it out of my pocket
Except that its not ringing
Apparently I imagined it

With the times I wake up
Out of a dead sleep
Because work must need something fixed
So I stumble out of bed
Tired as all can be
Except that its not ringing
Apparently I imagined it

I'm scared to think
How busy my life would be
If people called as much
As I imagine they do

High end school prize

I had won!
The principal announced
Over the loudspeaker
Out of the entire school
My name had been picked!
Quickly I bolted down to the principal's office
Where I picked up my prize
A new pencil
And a copy of a picture they took
Which was me winning the pencil
I hate to think
What second place made off with

Purple Badge of Shame

Every week in preschool
A winner was picked
Showered in admiration
And given special prizes
It had been me the previous week
Oh, how I wanted it again
It was selected by an elimination process
And usually based around
Colors of the rainbow
This week was purple
But alas I had no purple to wear
Arts and crafts skills to the rescue
I wore a purple rectangle around my neck
Made with construction paper
Tied with some string I found lying around
And was quite proud of myself
Until the teacher announced
The students eliminated
Were the ones who WERE wearing purple
Damn you purple square
Damn you

Bad Choices

The sign read
'No hot water in your building tonight'
And being how late it was
I couldn't drive anywhere
So I warmed up some water
On the stove
While scrubbing myself down with soap
Impatient as always
The water I should've let cool for longer
Curses were then followed by
Dropping the pan on my foot
Which started my new list
Of worst moments in the shower
This one was cemented at number one

Trusk the Dragon

Trusk the Dragon
Had no one show
At his birthday party
Mainly because
He had eaten them
The previous year

((Oh and thank you Sy for making and showing me this. I am still in awe. I love it!))

Mascot of Terrible

Your hometown can give you
A sense of pride
People try to embrace it
Stick up for where they grew up
That was me, cheerful and proud
Until I realized
Just how backwater we were
With the unveiling
Of the new town mascot
Corney the six foot piece of corn
I still to this day
Do not know why
A piece of corn
Would need to wear pants

Monster Etiquette

Most kids
Wanted their closet door closed
When they went to sleep
So that the monsters wouldn't get them
This always seemed like
A failed concept to me
How would you know
When a monster was there or not?
So I always kept the door partially open
To lull the beast into
A false sense of security
Before I would bean it
With my little league baseball

Its a good thing one never appeared
I have terrible aim

The Anti Santa

I've decided
They need to add an Anti Santa
Who dresses in all green
Instead of red
And is skinny
Instead of fat
With a sinister evil mustache
Instead of a white puffy beard
Then kids will shout
HEY, you're not the real Santa!
And he can run off
Much like the hamburglar
Oh Anti Santa
What ridiculous ploy
Have you come up with this time?

Breakfast Ideas

Hourglasses!
That was the new marshmallow
Inside of Lucky Charms
While I'm sure everyone can appreciate
Something new and exciting
Inside of a cereal box
Where will the line be drawn?
What happens when every type of marshmallow
Has already been added
And the new shapes
Suddenly become awkward?

To the moon

Imagine if
We needed no rockets
To get to the moon
But instead built a skywalk
From one planet to the other
What a beautiful trip it would be
Up until you realized
The endless pile of remains
Of everyone else
Who forgot to pack food
For such a long hike

Updating it old school

/------\
|_*__*\
>--------- >
\\\\\/////
\\\\\////
| | .......| |
<< ......>>

Completely comatose
From my thanksgiving meal
I crawled to my parents computer
To upload my latest masterpiece
Alas, it was not to be
As no matter what I tried
The computer continually notified me
That such an image
Was not uploaded
No worries, dedicated readers!
As I am skilled at ASCII art
Just as much as MSPaint
And was able to piece together
A pretty accurate representation
Of myself after the last slice
Of pecan pie

Ol' Tom Turkey

Just trace your hand!
My teacher exclaimed excitedly
And add a few simple features
And you will have created your very own
Tom turkey
The trouble was I tended to trace my arm
Into the drawing
Not to mention I shook a lot
Thus I wasn't that skillful at tracing
And poor Tom turkey
Tended to turn out terrible
His grotesque shape
Turning more people into vegetarians
Every year

Eight Grade Fears

Steady steady careful now
Careful careful steady now
While we all made jokes
At the ninth grade instructional videos
Of how to handle the vials
In chemistry class
Everyone in the end treated the class
With the utmost patience and respect
Because who wanted to be the highschooler
Who was remembered
Because they had to strip naked
And use the emergency shower
In front of everyone?

Geekdom

Hooray!
I finally hit level eighty
In World of Warcraft
I completed repetitive tasks
And explored electronic landscape
In order to increase an arbitrary experience bar
To a significant
And sometimes outrageous
Number
Woo I..uh finally hit eighty
But I guess it seemed
Like much more of an accomplishment
Until I wrote it out here
Woo I hit level...eh, I'm going to bed

Leader of this grand nation

My first decision
As President of the United States
Was to declare a new day
What use to be Sunday through Saturday
Now went Sunday to HaveFunDay
Where we all get the day off
Every week
To go have fun
Around that time
The whole economy collapsed
But I believe it to be unrelated

Pool Shark

You said you would beat me at pool
And you know, you really would have
But the table at my parents house?
It has absolutely no bounce to it
Except for the far right pocket
Which all of the balls roll into
Because the house tilts a bit in that direction
And you tend to get pretty good at using sticks
That have only worn out tips
And no replacements
So keep your fancy ricochet bounce shot
Home court advantage is all you truly need

Mediocre Toaster

When your work day is long
Because the job gets confusing
And then your car breaks down
In the middle of a Meijers parking lot
And you have to leave it there
And hope they think that you've been shopping
For the last seventeen hours
Well, all you can come up with
Is drawing a picture of a bored toaster
And a poem
That has nothing to do with said toaster
Thank you, and goodnight

Thar be a road trip

I do not recall Calculus
Or what macroeconomics means
I have no recollection of History class
No remembrance of Foreign studies
Those Japanese vocab? All down the drain
But, instead, what will be cemented there
In its place
Is the three am road trip home with Dave
Singing along to Devo's 'Peekaboo' single
Because that was the only radio station
That blasted through the deeply forested region
Of the Upper Peninsula

A breakthrough

Success!
I have mastered the art
Of traveling through time
It was four o' clock in the afternoon
And oh, how I wished it was five
So there I sat
And concentrated really hard
When a crackle of energy
Ignited a fire in my brain
And I found that I had accidentally set my computer
Back an hour
When it pushed itself back yet another hour automatically
Just for good measure
Woosh

An apple a day

I know I was sick
Really and truly
But those white spots
On the back of my throat
Really threw me into a panic
Had I contacted an obscure virus?
Would they have to amputate limbs?
Would I infect the world?
It was a short drive to the medical center
Where I was informed
That sometimes when you eat
Food particles will stick
To the back of your throat
Enjoy the bill!

Guest Strip - Gross

When I was little
On school mornings
I would go to a neighbors house
Before I had to go to school
The mom would serve breakfast
I would have
Captain Crunch or
Whatever other cereal
Had a cool toy that week
The son would have Life cereal
But if he didn't finish it all
It would sit out
Sometimes until after school
Until he would eventually eat it
From a soggy mush

Gross Aaron... friggin gross

((That cereal was still delicious 8 hours later Katie. Shut up. Oh and thank you for the comic.))

Ballin'

Ben and I
Hated to collect bottles for boy scouts
It was a waste of our time
Door to door we went
Requesting recyclables
What a way to waste a weekend
We whined and complained
Until we met Tom
Who followed along behind us
And bounced a tennis ball
On the sidewalk
For four hours straight
A perfect reminder
That there is always someone out there
Who is a lot more bored
Then you'll ever be

Table for one I mean two

Ah that awkward vibe
Everytime I request
A table for one
At the restaurant
Sometimes its to the point
Where its easier to request
A table for two
And then create a nice elaborate hoax
Involving a broken down vehicle
And just ordering without them
Its unfortunate then
When my story falls to pieces
After I get too involved
And have my imaginary lunch friend
Be abducted by aliens

Depressing Bunny

"Drink all your milk up"
My mom said
"And there's a surprise
at the bottom of it!"
Putting money in my cup
Seemed a bit silly
And I dont think you could fit
A video game or a book in there
But I trudged on
Halfway through I thought something
Had crawled up and died
In my cup
But it was instead a ceramic bunny
That was built into the cup itself
Cute
Eventually we gave that cup away
To charity
Where hopefully
It ruined some other kids day