Sleepin'

Please don't wake me up today
This really isn't fair
Yes I know I stayed up late
And now I'm quite impaired
I shouldn't have spent that extra hour
Looking up websites
Or brushing up on my Japanese
God, this really bites

So if you care and if you please
To give me one more hour
Of peaceful blissful beautiful sleep
Before I have to shower
I would be a happy kid
A happy kid indeed
If only I could get some sleep
A boy like me would need

.....Or you could have
The cats wake me up early
Jerk

Those lazy spring days

One regret in my long list of regrets
Is that I wished I would've went to Homecoming
But the aliens were invading
And only one man could stop it
And that man had a stock of Mountain Dew
A box of Zebra cakes
And two thumbs just itching
To repetitively push buttons
For the next few hours
It was for the greater good

The Cat-tastrophy

"Your cats kind of smell"
I told my friend
He let me know that there was cat shampoo in the bag
And that I could just spray some in my hands
Before rubbing it all over their coat
Simple as pie
Except that cats apparently do not enjoy
Being sprayed with smelly goop
Ow

Hope you like puzzles, Jesus

The hat was passed around
And we all drew names
For Secret Santa
I had selected Jesús
Oh how awkward it was
When I realized
My gift was going to that new kid
That just recently moved here
And not our Lord Savior

He's going for Speed

I like to impress people
With the knowledge
That I did in fact earn a Varsity letter
The part I tend to keep a secret however
Is that before the race
The other team all told the coach they quit
And marched off the field
And I was the only kid to run
The crowd was pretty quiet during that event

Irrashaimasu!

Ah, my study abroad trip to Japan
It offered an amazing look into a unique culture
With a beautiful and complex language
Interesting and talented teachers
And sights that could take your breath away
In return we offered thirty idiotic Americans
Loud and boisterous
Who had no real money to spend on visiting your sights
Who had no real work ethic to pay attention during your lectures
Who drank and sang and butchered your language
Until it was unrecognizable
Please don't hate us forever, Japan

PhobaPhobia

Acrophobia is the fear of heights
Arachnophobia being the fear of spiders
There is even Numerophobia
For those who are uncomfortable with numbers
But I don't think there would be a good word
For my fear that someday
I might be woken up
At two in the morning
From a knock at the door
And upon reaching the door I find
A child whose head is turned around
Such that you never see a face
And with a low, guttural tone
Asks if it can come inside to visit
And if I would be its friend
Perhaps I could call it
IneedToBuyAShotGunphobia

Eye of the Tiger

I am training for a race
But the ice cream looked quite good
I am training for a race
But the pizza was straight from the oven
I am training for a race
But there was a four hour gaming marathon
And that free bag of doughnuts
I am training for a race
In the worst possible of ways

Mid life Crisis

What am I doing with my life?
What should I be working on?
I needed a goal
Something I could accomplish
Something I could be proud of
Then it just fell into my lap
This is my destiny
Kool Aid man, you will be mine
I shall collect all seven of you
Oh Yeah!

So real its surreal

I flip through my blog
And count the amount of anecdotes
Three, four, five
Until I hit a certain number
Where I finally feel comfortable
To patch together the unnecessary mishmash
Of consciousness
Like an epic battle between a unicorn and a snowman
But the snowman has lightning bolts
Cheater

Frantic Fifty Post

I lost my wallet again today
I couldn't find it anywhere
And I really began to freak out
What would I do without my debit card?
Or my receipts from eating at Wendys?
So I called up my Dad
Who told me to calm down
And that sometimes his truck seats eat his wallet
I should definitely check there
Dad's are so smart
There it was
So I called my Mom
Who asked me why I get worked up over things like that
And why I wasn't drinking alcohol to remove that level of stress
Mom's are so smart
So I picked up a six pack
The lonely drunkard
Within a family of smart folk
Cheers to fifty posts

At the car wash, yeah

I did not mean
To nearly run into your car like that
But the water from the sprinkler
Was spraying at such an angle
That the only way I could get my car under it
Was to drive on the wrong side of the road
Perhaps just going to a car wash would have been more acceptable
But carwashes don't offer that level of surprise or fear
And this way I still maintain my record
Of having never washed my car

Procrastination

When someone gets fired
I take what I know about them
And try to work towards
Not having similar flaws
However the only thing I knew about that previous guy
Was that he was a hard worker
So while my inbox fills up
And my task list grows longer
I try my best
To not try
For the sake of job security

Happy Chocolate Time Giraffe

Happy Chocolate Time Giraffe
Is an amazing creature
Who grants you an infinite amount of treats
Should you be able to catch him
However he is quite agile
And often tricks people into entering Canada
Then your pretty much stuck there
Because border patrol guards are quite strict
Hope you like hockey, eh?

So many layers

I always wished
I would've taken art classes
When I went to college
Because seriously you take one girl
Dress her up in a cowboy outfit
Have her juggle beach balls
And sing a song about renaissance architecture
For about forty seven minutes
Then tell the class its a musical representation
Of our economy at work
What, you guys don't get it?
You don't know true art when you see it.

Schools In Session

Today's project
Is to take a book from your childhood
And make it horror themed
While my choice of A Hippopotamus ate the teacher
Is a good one
There is definitely money to be made
Out of an Evil Bernstein Bear trilogy
Hey Kids. Papa Bears Home.

Time Marches On

At 7:30 Am
The clock by my bed reads 7:50
To help create fear that I might be late
However my alarm clock
Which is a different clock
Reads 7:20
To offer an earlier wakeup call
Which is different from my car clock of 8:20
Due to the daylights savings issue I tried fixing
But never did
And the one on the wall seems to be doing its own thing
A magical clock that keeps time for a world
That has no time
Which leads me to the conclusion
That I'll always be way too early
Or way too late
To whatever event you invite me to
...I need another clock

The cookie has been stomped

Back in my hometown
My friend Katie and I played a game
Known as "Stomp Cookie"
Which consisted of throwing a cookie onto her parents yard
And stomping it as hard as you possibly could
While shouting out "Stomp Cookie!"
I never was too sure how many points I had
Or if I was close to winning
But it was a great way
to get rid of all those nasty cookies
With raisins in them

Dan, Dan, the computer man

Ah, Dan, the well known ex-coworker
You would ogle my friends girlfriends
And look up porn on the internet while at work
Or that time you wanted to order that Russian bride
But it would've cost you
Fifty dollars just to send her an e-mail
Your lack of work ethic was something of awe
And that hole in your golf shirt, we were certain,
Was a portal to another dimension
I mean, why else keep wearing a shirt with a hole that large?
You were awesome Dan
Like the mascot of a lazy college existence
Don't ever change

What Lurks Below

Go to sleep
I would tell my future kid
There's no monsters under your bed
But then I would begin to wonder
If there secretly was
And when I left they would devour him messily
So I would stay for a little while
To help calm him down
But what was that noise?
Crap they're closing in
And I left my baseball bat out in the garage
We will have to remain up here
Until daybreak

The greatness of String Cheese

I love string cheese
Because you can peel it
Or if you're feeling bold
Bite right into it
And eat it that way
Imagine if other foods
Took this kind of initiative
Like a milkshake that you could drink
Or use to relieve an itchy scalp
If you're feeling bold that is

Camp Anawana

I always hated camp
They had this sing a long button
Which people tried to hide in your pocket
And if you were stuck with it at dinner time
You had to sing a song in front of everyone
So I spent most of my time in hiding
And now looking back on those years
I wonder if anyone actually knew I belonged there
And not just some homeless kid who crept about
And spied on the rest of the campground

Fast Advertisement

People were not reading billboards anymore
So big corporations took to the streets
And made the billboards come to you
Except for car advertisements
Because those were kind of repetitive

Super Hero Wish

I finally got my wish
And superhero powers were handed out
To everyone in the world
Unfortunately by the time it got to me
All that was left
Was the ability to turn into green sherbet
So mad
I'd go join the villains
But that might hurt spoongirl's feelings

Brought to you by the letter R

Kindergarten brought to me
Ways to learn the alphabet
Songs and skits
And creepy life size dolls of letters
With names to coincide with the letter itself
Like Rude Rubber band Randy
Whose very existence
Made it difficult to sleep at night

The Cats Pajamas

I promised to watch my friends cats
While he searched for his new apartment
After a week I've come to the conclusion
That cats really excel at laying about
And ignoring me when I shout at them

Swanky

If I ever lived in a refrigerator
And had a woman over
I would re-adjust the temperature gauge
To function as a dimmer switch
And if things went really well
I would invite her up to the freezer
And we could become one
Amongst the half eaten gallon of ice cream
And the unfilled ice cube tray

Mystery Box

Dum Dum mystery flavor suckers
Were my favorite thing as a kid
A wonderful whimsical surprise of flavors
Lets continue the tradition
With more items
Surprise! Peanut butter soap for your shower!
Surprise! Root beer flavored orange juice!
Surprise! Mango flavored Mac & Cheese!
Surprise! No one is coming to visit anymore!

Headstrong

As leader of the new free world
I now decree
Anyone who cannot come to an agreement
Will resolve the dispute by running
Full speed
At one another
To find out who has the strongest brain
While not the most elegant of solutions
Political debates just became a lot more enjoyable

Go speedracer, go

Have you ever stopped to think
What certain items would be like
Had you invented them instead?
While I agree my ideas are fantastic
I am glad someone else invented the Automobile
For the Aaronmobile
Would be prone to explosions
And the lack of a windshield
Would result in a lot of bugs in your mouth