Bad concept, bad execution

Since I work at a doughnut factory
I wonder if more people
Would call me
If the smells of the doughnut factory
Wafted through the phone
Unfortunately I'm sure you jerks
Wouldn't return the favor back
Pew

Quacked

Okay look
When I first moved in
I thought you were a nice touch
Honestly, a lake with ducks?
Very soothing
However
Aquatic birds though you are
You really need to learn
To stop having a parade
When I am backing my car up
At eight in the morning

A time inside

Well we have
My video game shirt
Created from a really cool friend
My 'How the Grinch stole Christmas'
Pajama Bottoms
As a gag Christmas gift from my mum
A nice disheveled hair style
Bare feet to enjoy
A well vacuumed apartment
A fridge stock full of an unhealthy assortment of goodies
Yup
Looks like were ready
For a night on the internet

Congratulations for Trying

There are times
That I wonder if I was a little bit slower
Then the rest of the kids
Like my award for obtaining
A score of eighty
In a bumper bowling contest
Eighty?
Seriously?
Where was I rolling the ball
If it couldn't land in the gutter?

Guest Strip - Dryer

(Thanks Jenn!)

When I was little
I was adventurous
I would swing higher than anyone else on the swing
I would climb taller than anyone else in the trees
And I would explore places
That no one else would explore
Like the dryer
Oh it’s great fun- the dryer
You climb in
Put your feet on the bottom
And your hands on the top
And brace yourself real tight
And then
Your cohorts push the start button
But sometimes it doesn’t happen in that order…

Much too slow

All those monsters that I feared as a kid
All but slipped away
Boogeymen in my closet
Demons under my bed
Ghosts outside my window
I just stopped believing that
Such things were out to get me
Except for one monster
Who I'm pretty sure I still believe in
He just doesn't remember where I live now
I'll let you know how scared I am
When he gets here

Totally Talent

Some kids were good at swimming
Some were skilled at kickball
Some kids enjoyed water skiing
Others excelled at orienteering
But let it be known
On the day our camp hosted the first ever
Frisbee Golf tournament
I put everyone to shame
Truly I have mastered the art
Of throwing a Frisbee
At various inanimate objects

Friendly Old Lady

The pleasant unexpected phone call
From friendly old lady
Always appear around three in the afternoon
She seems intent on reaching that insurance company
But takes a wrong turn along the path somewhere
No ma'am, this is IT tech support
Sorry ma'am, I do not handle insurance
You have a nice day as well
It would be a lot less comical
If it didn't happen every week
But there she is
Ringing again
Like clockwork
No, I don't have your account in front of me
In fact I don't even work for that company
You have a nice day as well

It was worth all the while

Ceilings that leaked
Washers that broke
Stairs that creaked
Lights that set off fire alarms
Smells that never seem to have a source
Rooms that comfortably fit one
Showers that left your teeth chattering
Animals that shouldn't be in your house to begin with
And yet
Years that I would never give up for the world

To the hip hip hop

Thank you Steve
For the housewarming gift
A large white rabbit
Bearing suspenders and a grin
That told you with a simple push
He was ready to gyrate and dance for you
Upon reaching the chorus
Of "Hop hop hop"
He would do just that
Which we found out later
Tended to resolve our internet issues
Whenever it died

Oh but what a frightful day
When his battery started to die
And his hops were more of a stutter
His usually perky voice turned demonic
So we used him for cruel pranks
By making him sing at three AM
Atop someones bed frame
Hop! Hop! Hop!

The Launch

There was the countdown
T minus ten
Before I would bravely dive
Into the pile of leaves
I had so carefully raked up
Nine, eight, seven
The dog came to wish me well on my journey
Six, five, four
The dog relieved itself on my landing pad
Mission aborted

Cowboy Gone Walking

How about a story?
Something to the effects of
A cowboy that lost a cow
So he went searching up the mountain
To find it
But then halfway there
He started looking to the clouds
And was able to tell the future
Simply by looking at them
Okay maybe this isn't such a great idea
But I need to figure out something quick
So that I can become super rich
And not have to worry
About going to work tomorrow

He's got the moves

Time and dedication
Lots of discussion on the matter
But after many weeks
And many many rewrites
I think I finally got it down pat
The next time anyone asks
I will be capable
Of the 'Reverse Moonwalk Dance'
Is it dancing?
Is it fancy walking?
All I do know
Is its 100% skill

Farewell to Cookies

A long last farewell
To the company that made
The perfect type of cookie
With sugar
Dunked in more sugar
With delightful sugar spots for extra topping
Oh the fun times we had
Sometimes I would eat the whole bag
And feel sick for the rest of the day
Other times I would forget I left you
On my friends dashboard
And you would melt and make a mess
So long, you unhealthy gob of awesome

No tengo ninguna idea

Everyone is quite friendly at work
And some of them even try to teach me Spanish
Small things
Like "How are you today?"
And "My name is Aaron"
While entertaining
I think it would be a lot more enjoyable
To know what names they use for the printer
When it errors out in the middle of a busy production week

Lame Lazy Lies

In highschool
We once tricked a senile substitute teacher
Into not doing any actual work
By rewinding the video we were watching
At the start of each morning
While quite clever
Watching Romeo and Juliet
That many times
Was probably an apt punishment

Geralt The Spider

Geralt the spider
Carries a box
That contains the secret of the universe
And is excited to share it with you
It is unfortunate then
That he bears a similar resemblance
To all other spiders
Especially that one
You just squished

Is a wish

She wouldn't be a girlfriend
So much as a partner in crime
Beautiful and sassy
Clever and spontaneous
Idealistic and majestic
Fun, frivolous and full of life
And she would be mine
And while I'm out here
Wishing on a star
Waiting for her to arrive
Could you send me an Xbox too?

School is too cool

'Stay in school, kid'
Was the wise old words from the janitor
Which seemed really poignant at the time
But later turned out to be quite corny
But man,
I was so impressionable
Had he gone with
'Watch out for the monkeys, kid'
I still would be scared
Of those dirty primates

Nom Nom Crunch

You know, I really like cereal
But if you ever look at those kids
On the cereal box
Ecstatic
Cereal particles exploding about the background
Spoon gripped as if its their last meal on earth
Sorry
I guess I'll never be that into it

A college lesson

College
It helps you pick up new skills
Even outside the classroom
You learn how to be thrifty
And spend less on things
On the same note you learn why a Frisbee
Should cost more then a quarter
And when it breaks into sharp shards
You learn not to nickname it
"The Decapitator"
And continue to throw it around

You bet I'm bitter

Its been, what, twenty one years?
But I still hold a grudge
Can you honestly blame me?
I mean, seriously
If you invite someone over to go swimming
At their pool
They tend to expect an actual pool
And not something
Your mom purchased at the grocery store
For Three Ninety Nine

Guest Strip - Treehouse

(Thanks Dave)

Up in a treehouse
My sister far below
She thinks nobody is watching
As she opens a small plastic egg
Looks at the contents inside
Strictly against the rules of our little game
Only one thing to do
Teach her a lesson
Only one way to do it
Jump on her
Surely she will learn not to cheat
Surely she will be surprised
Surely she won't notice my battle cry
Surely she won't effortlessly move a foot to her right
Lesson learned, indeed

Robosweep is a go

Ah, Robosweep
Our clunky automatic vacuum cleaner
We bought you for the college house
In hopes that you would sweep away our mess
But instead you gleefully spun in circles
Making one really clean, slippery spot on the floor
While the rest was hampered with dust and trash
So we attached a ring toss game to you
With duct tape
And only let you out to play during parties

So tell me now, and I won't ask again

She asked
"Would you still love me
If I grew ugly and fat?"
Of course I would
No doubt in my mind
Okay, my turn
Suppose there was a scientific experiment
That went horribly wrong
My head was replaced with a phonograph
My legs have now become step ladders
And every night I would fill our bed with potatoes
Would you still love me then?
Take your time
I know these questions can be tough

Confused and Hungry

A Happy meal from McDonalds
Use to be the highlight of a good day
With a toy from the current popular kids movie
Land before Time
Fievel: An American Tail
All excellent stuff
Except for the times
When Mcdonalds would make toys
Based off of thier own fat-tacular menu
Was I suppose to pretend I was a bag of fries?
"Oh no, we are about to be eaten!
Let us overcook ourselves in the deep fryer
And with luck we will be thrown in the trash to freedom!"

The Unsteady Mile

Here is a fun game
You can play
Don't prepare yourself for a 5k run
Instead eat unhealthy and refuse to practice
Then drink a lot the night before
Sleep on your friend's sisters hardwood floor
And make sure your body is twisted in such a manner
To enjoy a full crooked spine
Wake up at 7 AM
And try your best not to cry
Because the officials frown
On water puddles on the track

And this little piggy went...

Highschool. Biology. 3rd period.
We had forgotten to seal away our formaldehyde pig
And now it stank really badly
Which was okay since playing Mario on the calculator
Was a lot more enjoyable
But when final exams came around
And a lot of the questions referenced the inner workings
Of pigs innards
Well lets just say I've never filled in so many blanks
With the words 'male pig genitalia'
In my life

Laser Beams - Guest Artist Day!

Picture day, 1990
For only four dollars more
I could get NEON laser beams
As my picture background
But my mom said no
That I would regret it when I was older
She was wrong
I still want them
I think this may have been the defining event
The one that separated the cool kids from the nerds
Now, if you will excuse me
I need to find a laser background
so I can photoshop my first grade picture onto it.
(Thanks Katie)

Kill the Dragon

If we add up all the hours
I spend in WoW
Reading how to kill the Dragon
Gathering the people to help kill the Dragon
Failing to kill the Dragon
Discussing the tactics on how to kill the Dragon
Switching out for different people to help kill the Dragon
Failing to kill the Dragon
Recruiting more people to help kill the Dragon
Keeping morale high in regards to killing the Dragon
Cursing the computer lag while attempting to kill the Dragon
Killing the Dragons
Handing out loot from the Dragon
Planning to kill the Dragon next week
There is a full successful life I could live
If I just cut out one thing
Eh, forget it
See you on Tuesday?

The Affamato

The Affamato
Sits in your fridge
And opens everything up
So that it expires and stinks up the place
It then proceeds to make stains
On all of your shirts and pants
With the food that it wasted
Either that
Or I'm just a really sloppy person