Let the music play

Most people tend to recall
Specific memories of their childhood
Which may help them interpret
Why they turned out the way they did
I spent a lot of time as a kid
Watching TV
More specifically Fraggle Rock
And I remember one creature
Named Boober
Who was afraid of everything
And had a penchant for washing socks
Sadly, this explains a lot

Wrathing of Grapes

I never finished reading the Grapes of Wrath
So I made up the last part of my book report
Where Tom Joad meets a magical Apple
And through their amazing adventure
Protect Oklahoma from the aliens of Zornot Six
I received a B+
And a life lesson that
No one really cares what a 7th graders opinion is

Deeper Thoughts

Its part of a larger concern
That I'm capable of remembering
The friends name of who I borrowed
The original Diablo video game from
And also that his mother had an affair
With Captain Kangaroo
But I am incapable
Of remembering
Where my damn wallet is

Have a holly jolly

What ever happened to
important holidays from my college years
like "Hey its Friday, lets drink!"
or "National Kazoo Day? Lets drink!"
Stinks having a real job
I'm getting tricked
Out of perfectly acceptable vacation days

Five Cents Richer

There was a kid in college
Who you could get to do anything
For a nickel
Drink clam juice
Cover his entire body in duct tape
It was his trademark
I just recently found out he is having a kid
Congratulations, Man
You earned that metal Jefferson
Spend it wisely

Egg 2: Eggin It

It was disappointing
That no one liked Giant Egg Man
His only means of conversing
Was waving his hands frantically about
And sputtering yellow yolk on the floor
Which wouldn't come out
No matter what type of disinfectant you used
The only thing left in his life
Was plotting the next house to break into
And his mountains of slippers
I guess he is realizing that
his life isn't all that its 'cracked' up to be
Oh come on guys
Cant you take a yolk?

Ways to make shopping more engaging

Oh you can try to race the cashier
The game is simple
Escape the store
Before she utters the words "Have a nice day!"
Just don't shove off with both feet on the cart
And run into a display of tomato soup
Total disqualification

Owie owie owie

It was a fun night of drinking
Until people found that
Riding me down the stairs like a sled
Was an option
Lesson Learned
When I become too inebriated
Hide in a corner
On the first floor

Giant Egg Man

Giant Egg man
Is horrifying
And breaks into your house at night
Sometimes he steals your slippers

Going for the record

To keep everyone in Heaven occupied
There is a scoreboard for EVERYTHING
That happens on Earth
You can sit around and cheer
For your favorite living individual
Right now I am winning
With a score of 3,734
For the amount of times
I've used the phrase "Great googly moogily"
Wait, 3,735 now
Give it up
You'll never beat me

Take those old records off the shelf

In the future
It will be very difficult
To keep a straight face when I ask
"What the heck are you kids listening to?
Back in my day
Our songs were about smoking marijuana
And having sexual relations
With a lot of women"
But I will try

Tennis ball sales report record growth!

When I was eleven years old
Mike upset me so badly
That I kicked a tennis ball
As hard as I could
And hit him in the face
I couldn't have asked for a better shot
Now if only I could find a way
To settle all my disputes like this
I bet I would have a lot less people
Requesting things at work

Outdoors and I dont get along

When approached by a large bee or two
Most people seem to just brush them aside
These people are doing it wrong
The correct steps is to throw caution to the wind
Flail about as if caught in a tornado
Squeal like a pig going to the slaughter
Because those bees are probably as big as your head
And one sting will take off an arm
Your only chance is hoping your unbalanced gyrations
Will confuse them long enough
For you to run like hell

Best Served Cold

I worked hard on a comic about the Olympics
But the words didn't come together quite right
The limerick regarding Wheaties cereal
Was doomed to failure as well
Dejected and stressed was I
So much so
That revenge was the only thing to cheer me up
You had it coming, Mount Rainier
Get your own bike

Not much singing. Lot more mumbling

Dear 5th grade teacher
Making us sing Zippity Do Dah
To the other 5th grade classes
Every friday
Has not made me a better person
Just thought I would pass that on

I am made of fat!

The reason I worry about the future
Is that someday somebody will find it necessary
To remove the nutritional labels
And create food that announces what is in it
When you bite into it

An honored title

After rappelling off the top of the school
And breaking the window
Of Miss Hoyles 7th grade math class
We both maintain our cool as we announce
Our desperate plea...
"Sara we need your help
We are but simple androids from the future.
You are the only one
Who can stop the approaching zombie pirates
from destroying our floating citadel"
Then we all jump out the window together
Yes it costs a bit to hire us
But you get a full day off from school
And underneath your yearbook photo
It will proudly announce
That you staved off the dreaded zombie pirates
And saved us all
While in reality we just sat around 7-11
Drinking Slurpee's
And swiped boxes Of Mike & Ike's

Creative Computing

I think my biggest issue
With going into Computer Science
Is how I feel lied to
I mean ask yourself this
If you hear someone at work say:
"Oh great, John bypassed the firewall
and also has tons of spyware and cookies
from surfing the web"
It sounds a lot more exciting then what it really is
Maybe I just set my hopes too high

Dad and I

Some days I try to look back
And think of the pearls of wisdom my dad gave me
But all I come up with were the bad ones
like "If you keep driving like this
they will bury our bodies in that graveyard over there"
or "Why the hell did you buy vanilla ice cream
and not mint flavor? I ain't eating that."
Never the less, thank you for bringing me up right
And I actually learned quite a bit from you this past Christmas
When you cut off your own thumb
....Well, I guess I learned to not cut off my own thumb
That looked like it hurt a lot

That extra star was a pain

You might know the old saying
Dont mess with Texas
But I'm here to warn you about Massachusetts
Did you know we use to have fifty one states?
Massachusetts made that state dissapear
He's that crazy
Dont mess with Texas still holds true
But don't you screw with the Massachu

In the year 2525...

Dear Nursing Staff
Which will take care of me when I'm old and gray
I apologize in advance
For all of the times that I will believe
That I'm actually a superhero
Or a knight
Or an evil orc
And all of those times in which I attack the trash can
Calling out "Die Foul Beast!"
While using the pillow from the break room
As my "Shield of Protection + 3"
Well, let me just say
That I appreciate your patience

Games for the Masses

I wanted to make the big bucks
So I began programming videogames
With everyday household items as the main character
For easy product placement
Deodorant was my first choice
But I soon gave up
After I realized the only available enemy
Would be a smelly armpit
That's just gross

Go man, go

I once worked at a grocery store
Where the manager called everyone big 'fella
Even the women
One day he got really excited
And did the big 'fella dance
Arms chugging back and forth like a locomotive
Feet stomping around as if crushing grapes
The low rhythmic chant of big 'fella, big 'fella, big 'fella
Echoing through the frozen foods isle

Refreshing Ritual

I really hate grocery shopping
But when my Breakfast consists of:
V8 and ho-ho's
It might be time to go to the store.
Wait, is that a box of Cap'n Crunch?
Nevermind
I can make it until tomorrow

I really need to clean more often

Part of the issue of being a bachelor
Is if you tend not to vacuum as much as you should
And leave it to sit long enough
All of those fuzzies that fall off of your socks
will accumulate into a tangled mess
and eventually spawn a fuzz golem

Fortunately the fuzz golem has low self esteem
and any sort of mean spirited comments will drive it away
Piece of crap
You smell
Get out of here
Well, yeah, of course I feel bad about it
Its a lot easier then vacuuming, though

An Awful Date

She wont stop talking about shoes
She put expensive alcohol on my tab
And didn't say thank you
She chews with her mouth open
And I'm fairly certain she just called me Brad
While I'm pretty sure my name is Aaron
But that's okay
For I have my revenge all planned out
At the end of this date
I will approach her
And give her the most awkward goodbye hug
Arms stretched at their full length
A weak pat on her shoulder blades
Its the least I can do

When I die

When I die
I hope an angel will pick me up
via airship
Then we can go blow up the devil's airship
Because I bet he really hates that

Going Outside

Screw Outdoors
Its hot and uncomfortable
Lots of bugs and people that are in better shape then you
I prefer to stay indoors
become very pale
Ghostlike
Soon people will believe I am actually dead
"Dont try talking to him. He's dead." they will whisper
Yes it will be a lonely life
But at least I wont have to pay rent anymore

So very, very close

I wanted Dave to play World of Warcraft
And you even get a new mount if you sign a friend up!
"I will draw you a picture" I said, "Of you upon this excellent mount"
So I worked hard to draw a Zhevra
Which was much like a Zebra in all respects
And handed it to him with a smile
"You do realize Zebras have stripes" Dave said
"Maybe it mated with a dalmatian?"
"Sorry, your drawing fails. I will not play World of Warcraft"
That day was full of disappointments
But none were greater then forgetting zebras have stripes

He was a jerk

I remember the day
Mount Rainier stole my bike
Flicking off my mother as he tore down Lilly road
What can you do in a situation like that?
We found it hours later in a bush
The new paint job scraped away and the back tire flat
Fatass.