Breakfast Ideas

Hourglasses!
That was the new marshmallow
Inside of Lucky Charms
While I'm sure everyone can appreciate
Something new and exciting
Inside of a cereal box
Where will the line be drawn?
What happens when every type of marshmallow
Has already been added
And the new shapes
Suddenly become awkward?

To the moon

Imagine if
We needed no rockets
To get to the moon
But instead built a skywalk
From one planet to the other
What a beautiful trip it would be
Up until you realized
The endless pile of remains
Of everyone else
Who forgot to pack food
For such a long hike

Updating it old school

/------\
|_*__*\
>--------- >
\\\\\/////
\\\\\////
| | .......| |
<< ......>>

Completely comatose
From my thanksgiving meal
I crawled to my parents computer
To upload my latest masterpiece
Alas, it was not to be
As no matter what I tried
The computer continually notified me
That such an image
Was not uploaded
No worries, dedicated readers!
As I am skilled at ASCII art
Just as much as MSPaint
And was able to piece together
A pretty accurate representation
Of myself after the last slice
Of pecan pie

Ol' Tom Turkey

Just trace your hand!
My teacher exclaimed excitedly
And add a few simple features
And you will have created your very own
Tom turkey
The trouble was I tended to trace my arm
Into the drawing
Not to mention I shook a lot
Thus I wasn't that skillful at tracing
And poor Tom turkey
Tended to turn out terrible
His grotesque shape
Turning more people into vegetarians
Every year

Eight Grade Fears

Steady steady careful now
Careful careful steady now
While we all made jokes
At the ninth grade instructional videos
Of how to handle the vials
In chemistry class
Everyone in the end treated the class
With the utmost patience and respect
Because who wanted to be the highschooler
Who was remembered
Because they had to strip naked
And use the emergency shower
In front of everyone?

Geekdom

Hooray!
I finally hit level eighty
In World of Warcraft
I completed repetitive tasks
And explored electronic landscape
In order to increase an arbitrary experience bar
To a significant
And sometimes outrageous
Number
Woo I..uh finally hit eighty
But I guess it seemed
Like much more of an accomplishment
Until I wrote it out here
Woo I hit level...eh, I'm going to bed

Leader of this grand nation

My first decision
As President of the United States
Was to declare a new day
What use to be Sunday through Saturday
Now went Sunday to HaveFunDay
Where we all get the day off
Every week
To go have fun
Around that time
The whole economy collapsed
But I believe it to be unrelated

Pool Shark

You said you would beat me at pool
And you know, you really would have
But the table at my parents house?
It has absolutely no bounce to it
Except for the far right pocket
Which all of the balls roll into
Because the house tilts a bit in that direction
And you tend to get pretty good at using sticks
That have only worn out tips
And no replacements
So keep your fancy ricochet bounce shot
Home court advantage is all you truly need

Mediocre Toaster

When your work day is long
Because the job gets confusing
And then your car breaks down
In the middle of a Meijers parking lot
And you have to leave it there
And hope they think that you've been shopping
For the last seventeen hours
Well, all you can come up with
Is drawing a picture of a bored toaster
And a poem
That has nothing to do with said toaster
Thank you, and goodnight

Thar be a road trip

I do not recall Calculus
Or what macroeconomics means
I have no recollection of History class
No remembrance of Foreign studies
Those Japanese vocab? All down the drain
But, instead, what will be cemented there
In its place
Is the three am road trip home with Dave
Singing along to Devo's 'Peekaboo' single
Because that was the only radio station
That blasted through the deeply forested region
Of the Upper Peninsula

A breakthrough

Success!
I have mastered the art
Of traveling through time
It was four o' clock in the afternoon
And oh, how I wished it was five
So there I sat
And concentrated really hard
When a crackle of energy
Ignited a fire in my brain
And I found that I had accidentally set my computer
Back an hour
When it pushed itself back yet another hour automatically
Just for good measure
Woosh

An apple a day

I know I was sick
Really and truly
But those white spots
On the back of my throat
Really threw me into a panic
Had I contacted an obscure virus?
Would they have to amputate limbs?
Would I infect the world?
It was a short drive to the medical center
Where I was informed
That sometimes when you eat
Food particles will stick
To the back of your throat
Enjoy the bill!

Guest Strip - Gross

When I was little
On school mornings
I would go to a neighbors house
Before I had to go to school
The mom would serve breakfast
I would have
Captain Crunch or
Whatever other cereal
Had a cool toy that week
The son would have Life cereal
But if he didn't finish it all
It would sit out
Sometimes until after school
Until he would eventually eat it
From a soggy mush

Gross Aaron... friggin gross

((That cereal was still delicious 8 hours later Katie. Shut up. Oh and thank you for the comic.))

Ballin'

Ben and I
Hated to collect bottles for boy scouts
It was a waste of our time
Door to door we went
Requesting recyclables
What a way to waste a weekend
We whined and complained
Until we met Tom
Who followed along behind us
And bounced a tennis ball
On the sidewalk
For four hours straight
A perfect reminder
That there is always someone out there
Who is a lot more bored
Then you'll ever be

Table for one I mean two

Ah that awkward vibe
Everytime I request
A table for one
At the restaurant
Sometimes its to the point
Where its easier to request
A table for two
And then create a nice elaborate hoax
Involving a broken down vehicle
And just ordering without them
Its unfortunate then
When my story falls to pieces
After I get too involved
And have my imaginary lunch friend
Be abducted by aliens

Depressing Bunny

"Drink all your milk up"
My mom said
"And there's a surprise
at the bottom of it!"
Putting money in my cup
Seemed a bit silly
And I dont think you could fit
A video game or a book in there
But I trudged on
Halfway through I thought something
Had crawled up and died
In my cup
But it was instead a ceramic bunny
That was built into the cup itself
Cute
Eventually we gave that cup away
To charity
Where hopefully
It ruined some other kids day

Guest Strip - Prodigal Sorcerer

Everyone in the world
Has one thing they can do
Better than everyone else
One climbs mountains
One writes poetry
One cures diseases
Well let me tell you this
Back in the day
I could tell you, without hesitation
The artist listed at the bottom
Of every single Magic card
Take that, everyone

Guest Strip - Red King

"I got a present for you", Aaron said
"Ummm... thanks?" I replied
Somehow this green piece of plastic crap
Was supposed to be funny
Sorry, man, I just didn't see it
But time went on
I began to understand
The vacant expression
The fat, useless arms
The complete lack of intimidation
I finally knew
Genius, Aaron, genius

Yarr Pirate

Have you ever drawn a pirate?
Crafty, bold and shrewd
Formed an alliance with the unsavory
And let no one stand in her way
Who fought tooth and nail to the treasure
Which there ended being none
But found instead the grave of her father
Where there she thought the battle done
But no the syndicate attacked then
A fierce battle through
And there she found her calling
To be a noble too
But sadly it was not to be
As her wounds much too fatal
So she called out to the heavens
As that she was only able
Have you ever drawn a pirate?
Naw, me neither

Barnabee Thatchen

Barnabee Thatchen's Fish Bucket
Was pure, unadulterated malevolence
It hungered for blood
It cried out for chaos
It cared for no soul
For it had no soul of its own
Sadly without any hands or legs
And no sharp edges to speak of
The worst it could offer
Was to temporarily pinch one of your fingers
With its wobbly handle

Leaf of my senses

I use to collect any leaf
That I could catch
When it blew off a tree
Before it hit the ground
It was a minor victory
Nimble was my middle name
Each was stacked carefully on my dresser
Right up until I opened the window
For some fresh air
You win this round, gravity

100 Posts

Wait
One hundred posts?
Usually at this time
I've given up and begun anew
On another wacky project
So I decided to celebrate
By eating seventy five percent off
Halloween candy
And listening to music stations
That almost seem apologetic
About playing Christmas music this early

Does not compute

Well we could change the items properties
Mark it pallet wide
Edit the unit of measurement
And ship it bulk status
Recall the purchase order
When its site is incorrect
And unconfirm the shipper
When that sales order is locked
Boy I hope no one realized
I have no idea what I'm talking about
While at work

This has long day on it

This lady, she wouldn't stop talking
Her voice all too shrill
Her days woes spilt out
As I rang up her bill
She always wanted cigarettes
She wanted scratch and win
Then she always bitched and moaned
Tossing the losers in the bin
Yes every moment with her
Was miserable and cold
But at least she didn't know how to add
Free food for me? I'm sold

Pilfered!

People always said
"Think big!"
So when I resorted to my life of crime
I stole the Eiffel Tower
All 324 meters
But where to hide such a thing?
After some careful deliberation
I attached some wings to it
And claimed to have dug up dinosaur remains
Soon I will be rich and famous
Why didn't Carmen Sandiego
Ever think of this?

The Voting Process

It took two and a half hours to drive there
And two and a half back
But it was well worth it
For the 'I voted' sticker
And the knowledge that
I voted for the President I thought
Would do the best job
After that I was kind of worn out
So the rest of the congressional seats
On my ballet
Were selected on an eenie meenie miney mo basis

Pop a Wheelin'

It was an epic battle
Todd's brand new Huffy Bike
Versus an ordinary, half deflated pink balloon
In an all out brawl
Well my money was on Todd's bike
But apparently half deflated balloons
Don't pop quite so easily
And can throw you quite off balance
Sucks about your bike, bro

Fair weather friend

Yeah, we were friends with Jim
Wasn't everyone?
He was a funny guy
Had loads of cash
And oftentimes invited us all over
To drink ourselves stupid
Yeah we were friends with Jim
We'd play videogames
Watch the latest horror flick
And everyone would sit around
And come up with stupid ideas
Yeah we were friends with Jim
Even after the ideas would come into fruition
And we'd find ourselves on the losing side
Of a roman candle fireworks fight
And our hasty stumbling retreat
Home to the dorms
Would be met with disapproving frowns
Of the local RA
Yeah we were friends with Jim

A tad overcooked

Well the way I saw it
Was eating something out of the box
Was mediocre, at best
Cooking something in the microwave
Was a bit better
When you make it on the stove
Its that much more enjoyable
And if things are cooked in the oven?
Delicious
So mathematically
The longer you take to prepare it
The better it is!

Unfortunately there was a limit to this
And my year to bake cake was not to be

Tricky Treat Maneuver

Trick or treating as a kid
Was quite a rewarding payoff
A pillow cover worth of goodies
But this was just the beginning
Yes, I had this all worked out
Once I grew old enough to get a license
I would take to the streets in my trick or treat car
Hitting up every house I saw for candy
While racing the sunrise
For my sugary success story